Hi friends,
This month’s topic is one that makes many introverts cringe - negotiation.
It’s that time of year again: performance reviews, salary talks, and 2026 planning. For many, it feels… stressful.
You’ve worked hard all year. You’ve delivered results. And yet, it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking:
“If I work hard enough, I’ll get rewarded.”
Here’s the reality: hard work alone rarely guarantees recognition - let alone a raise or promotion. It’s unfair, but it’s the system we live in. And until it changes, you need to advocate for yourself.
Luckily, there’s a way to do it that doesn’t feel pushy or uncomfortable.
The Relational Ask Framework
A couple of years ago, I came across a TEDx talk by Kathryn Valentine that completely changed how I approach negotiations. She shared the Relational Ask framework. Research shows it not only improves your chances of success but also strengthens your relationship with the person you’re negotiating with.
Oh, and it pretty much eliminates the risk of backlash - the thing we fear most when asking for what we deserve.
Here’s how it works:
1️⃣ Past performance: What have you already done that matters?
2️⃣ Future vision: What does everyone in the room want?
3️⃣ The ask: What do YOU want, and how does it connect to that shared vision?
4️⃣ Collaborative question: (more about it below)
And, an addition from me:
5️⃣ Stop talking: Resist the urge to over-explain. Let the other person respond.
The collaborative question
Kathryn Valentine notes that women often negotiate against themselves to avoid making someone else uncomfortable - saying things like, “But it’s okay if it’s not in your budget this year!”
In my experience, this goes beyond gender. Sensitive and emotionally intelligent men do this too.
When we negotiate against ourselves to keep others comfortable, we get in our own way - so please, let’s stop doing that.
Instead, try a collaborative question.
For example:
“As you know, I exceeded my sales targets by 10% last year. I think I can do it again this year. But in order to do that, I need the credibility that comes with a director title. What do you think?”
Or:
“As you know, I piloted a new onboarding process this quarter and it’s getting great results. We could roll it out across the company next year. But in order to do that, I need to work the hours when I’m most productive - earlier in the day. How can we make this work?”
Why does this work?
Because it shifts the tone from personal entitlement (“I deserve X”) to a business conversation about shared goals.
Practice makes confidence
I’ve taught this framework to several of my coaching clients - and guess what? The first time they tried it, it felt awkward. They had to work on being more direct with their ask (step 3) and on that final pause (step 5 - most of us really don’t like silence, do we?).
But once they practiced, they realised this isn’t a personal favour. They had evidence of their results and recognised it’s their responsibility to make sure the business sees that.
Guess who walked into their next review feeling calm and confident - and secured a promotion a few weeks later?
That can be you too.
So, before your next performance review or development chat:
Write down your achievements from the past year
Outline your goals for the next one
Practice the Relational Ask using this five-step structure
You’ll walk in feeling clear, prepared, and Quietly Confident.
And don’t worry if your review already happened - the next one is just around the corner. It’s never too late to have a strategic conversation about your future.
If this resonated, forward this article to a colleague, partner, or friend who could use a little negotiation courage.
If they like it, they can sign up here to receive monthly resources like this.
And if you’d like to make this approach feel natural to YOUR unique communication style, come work with me - I can help you practice, refine, and tailor it to your strengths.
Speak soon,
Karolina
P.S. When you’re ready, here are two ways I can help:
Book a free 1:1 Clarity Session — we’ll explore what it’s like to work together and how you can start showing up with more confidence at work.
If your company has a Learning & Development budget, you might be able to use it for coaching. Many of my clients do - just ask me for my “Letter to Manager” template, and I’ll send it your way.
For new readers:
Welcome to Quietly Confident! Once a month, I share coaching tools, frameworks, and real stories to help you:
Speak up with confidence, even when your heart’s racing
Set boundaries that protect your energy (without guilt)
Build credibility and respect that makes people listen
All grounded in psychology, neuroscience, and insights from 150+ introverted leaders I’ve coached.
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